Like my vodka martinis, I like my humor extremely dry. ;)
A bit dated, but the great Steven Wright still makes me chuckle.
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
"I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me
-- and I didn't hear it."
"He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
"I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No
brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it."
"My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New
York."
"I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill,
"I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month.""
"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."
"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the
beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it."
"I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time."
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums."
"Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My
argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I
haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time."
"One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95."
"I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I
said, "Give me two boys and a girl.""
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance."
"There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you
can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air."
"I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"..."
"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had
to buy them again."
"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping."
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it..."
"Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait.""
"I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were!"
"In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman
in Germany. She said, "Cut it out.""
LOL
Gotta love Steven Wright's comedy... :laughing: