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Topics - philsharp

Pages: [1] 2 3 4
1
LandzDown Lounge / Happy Birthday - Blast from the Past
« on: June 10, 2009, 10:45:29 PM »

Congratulations on your 5th birthday.
Although not posting continue to read and learn.
Regards  Phil  :)

2
Jokes / The Three Bears
« on: July 30, 2007, 11:01:33 PM »
The Three Bears

>>

>> Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair at the table.

>> She looks into her little bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my

>> porridge?!!" she squeaks.

>> Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.. He looks

>> into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my

>> porridge?!!" He roars.

 

 

>> Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen

>> and yells...

>> "For goodness sake, how many times do we have to go through this with

>> you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who

>> woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it

>> was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put

>> everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early

>> morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn

>> table, was Mummy Bear who put the  cat out, cleaned the litter

>> box and filled the cat's water and food dish, and now that

> you've

>> decided to drag your selves downstairs and grace Mummy

>> Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only

>> going to say this one more time.................................

>>

>>

>> "I HAVEN'T MADE THE GODDAMNED PORRIDGE YET!!!"

----------
Edited out language as requested.

GR@PH;<'S   :Hammys pint:

3
Jokes / FBI
« on: July 19, 2007, 11:04:51 PM »
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

  For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.. Kill Her!!"

  The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

  The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

  The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his
eyes, " I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

  Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instruction, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls

  After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "The gun is loaded with blanks" she
said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

4
Jokes / The Blonde Handy Woman
« on: July 07, 2007, 12:30:44 AM »
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. 

 

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

The blonde quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'  The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the husband asked.

'Yes, 'the blonde replied, 'and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'



Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'


5
Jokes / A Trip to the Vatican
« on: May 23, 2007, 10:45:08 PM »
 A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled
>>for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the
>>hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
>>It's crowded and dirty! You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you
>>getting there?"
>>
>> "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a
>>great rate!"
>>
>> "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a
>>terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are
>>ugly, and they're always late.
>>
>> So, where are you staying in Rome?"
>>
>> "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's
>>Tiber River called Teste."
>>
>> "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody
>>thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a
>>dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is
>>surly, and they're overpriced.
>>
>> So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
>>
>> "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see
>>the Pope."
>>
>> "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.  "You and a
>>million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.
>>Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
>>
>> A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
>>The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
>>
>>
>> "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were
>>we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was
>>overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were
>>wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me
>>hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5
>>million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the
>>city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
>>owner's suite at no extra charge!"
>>
>> "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and
>>good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
>>
>> "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the
>>Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the
>>Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to
>>step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
>>Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
>>shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
>>
>> "Oh, really!  What'd he say?
>>
>>
>> He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"


6
Jokes / HOW TO STOP CHURCH GOSSIP
« on: April 23, 2007, 11:20:27 PM »
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the
church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's
business. Several members did not approve of her extra
curricular  activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a  mistake, however, when she accused Frank,
a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old
pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and many others) that
everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Frank, a
man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked
away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night!!!


7
Jokes / Deep Thoughts
« on: April 08, 2007, 10:32:26 PM »
 

     1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
     2. A day without sunshine is like... Night.
     3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
     4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
     5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
     6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
     7. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
     8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
     9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
     cheese in the trap.
     10. Support  bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
     11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
     12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
     13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
     14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
     15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
     16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
     17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
     18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
     19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
     20.  Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
     21.  What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
     22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
     23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
     24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What
     the hell happened?"
     25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall
    off.
     26.  Light travels faster than sound. That 's why some people
    Appear bright until you hear them speak.
     27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . it's more like a jar of
     jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

8
Jokes / One for the Girls!
« on: April 04, 2007, 10:12:48 PM »
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Cape Town "

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The wife replies, "I'll miss you..."
------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he  stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
------------------------------------------------------

9
Jokes / Hospital Bloopers!
« on: March 25, 2007, 10:54:43 PM »
Actual Hospital Chart Bloopers

1. Patient refused autopsy.?
2. Patient has no previous history of suicides.?
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.?
4. Note: patient here - recovering from forehead cut, became very angry when given
an enema by mistake. ?
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.?
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.?
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. ?
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.?
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.?
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.?
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. ?
12. She is numb from her toes down.?
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.?
14. The skin was moist and dry.?
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.?
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. ?
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.?
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a
divorce.?
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. ?
20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.?
21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.?
22. Skin: somewhat pale but present?
23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

10
Jokes / I Wish!!!!!!
« on: March 12, 2007, 04:59:11 AM »
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on exercise.  Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?  Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.  So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?  Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.  Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.  How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.  You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO.. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!  It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets

11
Jokes / To All Emplyees
« on: March 09, 2007, 02:53:12 AM »
> > To all Employees:> >
> >
> > Dress Code
> >
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary.
> > If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
assume
>you
> > are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
> >
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better,
> > so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a
pay
> > raise.
> >
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
> > therefore you do not need a pay raise.> >
> >
> > Sick Days
> >
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of
sickness.
> >
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
> >
> > Holiday Days
> >
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
> > Saturday & Sunday.
> >
> > Compassionate Leave
> >
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead
> > friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have
> > non-employees attend to the arrangements.
> >
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
> > should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow
you
>to
> > work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
> >
> > Toilet Use
> >
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now
a
> > strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
> >
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper
> > roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will
be
> > taken.
> >
> > 3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company
> > notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
> >
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
> > company's mental health policy.
> >
> > Lunch Break
> >
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more
so
> > that they can look healthy.
> >
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to
> > maintain their average figure.
> >
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
> >
> >
> >
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an
employer
> > of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment
experience.
> >
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations,
> > irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
> > contemplations, consternation and input should be directed
elsewhere.
> >
> > Management

12
Jokes / At the Doctor's office
« on: February 25, 2007, 10:04:18 PM »
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken

13
Jokes / Interesting but True!
« on: January 15, 2007, 12:39:28 AM »
Interesting Real Facts (Strange but True)

1
 Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.
 
2
 A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
 
3
 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
 
4
 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
 
5
 On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
 
6
 Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
 
7
 Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.
 
8
 Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
 
9
 Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
 
10
 There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
 
11
 Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
 
12
 Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
 
13
 The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!
 
14
 By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
 
15
 Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
 
16
 Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
 
17
 The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
 
18
 Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
 
19
 Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
 
20
 Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
 
21
 The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
 
22
 To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
 
23
 The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
 
24
 The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
 
25
 The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
 
26
 Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
 
27
 The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
 
28
 Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".
 
29
 It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
 
30
 In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".
 
31
 A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
 
32
 We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.
 
33
 Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines.
 
34
 Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.
 
35
 Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.
 
36
 Blue is the favorite colour of 80 percent of Americans.
 
37
 When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka.
 
38
 There are more chickens than people in the world.
 
39
 It's against the law in Iceland to have a dog.
 
40
 The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.
 
41
 There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.
 
42
 The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day.
 
43
 The average person presses the snooze button on their alarm clock three Times each morning.
 
44
 The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the Combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations.
 
45
 The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette Company died of lung cancer.
 
46
 Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
 
47
 The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
 
48
 Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our noses and ears Never stop growing.
 
49
 You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.
 
50
 A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a Few weeks.
 
51
 Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
 
52
 The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
 
53
 When the moon is directly overhead, you weigh slightly less.
 
54
 Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned His wife or mother because they were both deaf.
 
55
 A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a Carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After Weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe Leaving her mentally retarded
 
56
 "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
 
57
 Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking Countries because Colgate translates into the command "go hang Yourself."
 
58
 Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
 
59
 "Bookkeeper" is the only word in English language with three consecutive Double letters.
 
60
 Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed People do.
 
61
 The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every Letter in the English language.
 
62
 If the population of China walked past you in single line, the line Would never end because of the rate of reproduction
 
63
 China has more English speakers than the United States.
 
64
 Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.
 
65
 Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.
 
66
 An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day.
 
67
 Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our Bodies.
 
68
 Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average Man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his Lifetime.
 
69
 According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.
 
70
 The longest place name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturi- Pukakpikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu - a New Zealand hill.
 
71
 If you leave Tokyo by plane at 7:00am, you will arrive in Honolulu at Approximately 4:30pm the previous day.
 
72
 Scientists in Australia's Parkes Observatory thought they had positive Proof of alien life, when they began picking up radio-waves from space. However, after investigation, the radio emissions were traced to a Microwave in the building.
 
73
 Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.
 
74
 More than 40,000 parasites and 250 types of bacteria are exchanged during a French kiss.
 
75
 Men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear better.
 
76
 Coca-Cola was originally green.
 
77
 The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
 
78
 The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
 
79
 There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
 
80
 TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
 
81
 Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!
 
82
 You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
 
83
 It is impossible to lick your elbow.
 
84
 People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
 
85
 It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
 
86
 The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
 
87
 If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
 
88
 Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
 
89
 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
 
90
 If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
 
91
 If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
 
92
 If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
 
93
 Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this? Ans. - Honey
 
94
 A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
 
95
 A snail can sleep for three years.
 
96
 All polar bears are left handed.
 
97
 American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
 
98
 Butterflies taste with their feet.
 
99
 Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
 
100
 In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
 
101
 On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
 
102
 Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
 
103
 Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
 
104
 The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
 
105
 The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
 
106
 The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
 
107
 Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
 
108
 Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
 
109
 The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
 
110
 Most lipstick contains fish scales.
 
111
 And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
 
 
Who Me???????????? :confused:

14
Jokes / When insults had class!
« on: December 12, 2006, 08:26:46 PM »
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices
>I admire."
>-- Winston Churchill
>
>"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
>-- Winston Churchill
>
>"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries
>with great pleasure."
>-- Clarence Darrow
>
>"He has never been known to use a word that might send a
>reader to the dictionary."
>-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
>
>"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
>-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
>
>"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste
>no time reading it."
>-- Moses Hadas
>
>"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of
>any man I know."
>-- Abraham Lincoln
>
>"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't
>it."
>-- Groucho Marx
>
>"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
>saying I approved of it."
>-- Mark Twain
>
>"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his
>friends."
>-- Oscar Wilde
>
>"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new
>play, bring a friend... if you have one."
>-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
>
>"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...
>if there is one."
>-- Winston Churchill, in response
>
>"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having
>you here."
>-- Stephen Bishop
>
>"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
>-- John Bright
>
>"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's
>nothing trivial."
>-- Irvin S. Cobb
>
>"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness
>in others."
>-- Samuel Johnson
>
>"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
>-- Paul Keating
>
>"He had delusions of adequacy."
>-- Walter Kerr
>
>"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't
>cure."
>-- Jack E. Leonard
>
>"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
>-- Robert Redford
>
>"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the
>sum of human knowledge."
>-- Thomas Brackett Reed
>
>"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by
>diligent hard work, he overcame them."
>-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
>
>"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded
>easily."
>-- Charles, Count Talleyrand
>
>"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
>-- Forrest Tucker
>
>"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any
>address on it?"
>-- Mark Twain
>
>"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
>-- Mae West
>
>"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever
>they go."
>-- Oscar Wilde
>
>"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...
>for support rather than illumination."
>-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
>
>"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
>-- Billy Wilder

15
Computer Problems, Questions and Solutions! / Slow loading LandzDown page
« on: December 01, 2006, 09:21:31 PM »

Just gone over to Broadband (old fella getting with the times!)and all working well other than the forum page which takes quite a while to load.
Every other page is arriving at the speed of light (compared with dial up) other than Lzd. Is there some problem I can fix?

Thanks  philsharp

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