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Topics - musqrahat

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1
Jokes / Vet Clinic
« on: July 12, 2007, 09:18:27 PM »
A man runs into the vet clinic with his dog. The doctor says "What seems to be the problem?"
The man, frantic, says, "Well, he just isn't acting right, Doc.  :help:
Can you do something for him?" At this point, a cat comes sauntering into the room.
The cat walks in a circle around the dog, checking him out. "Oh, don't mind him, that's my cat", says the doctor. "Anyway, your dog seems to be okay now. Take these pills and give them to him once a day. Call if you have any more problems."

Well, the dog recovered nicely. A few days later, the man receives the vet's bill in the mail. $10.00 for medicine, $450.00 for lab tests.

The man rushes to the phone-calls the doctor.

"Doctor! This bill! I'm sure you didn't run any lab tests! I don't understand! What's the $450.00 for??" :beg:

The doctor replies, "Oh, sure, that's for the cat scan." :tease:  :hysterical:

2
Jokes / HELP WANTED
« on: July 12, 2007, 09:14:33 PM »
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.

The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Miaow!" :hysterical:

3
Jokes / The Microsoft Cafe
« on: July 07, 2007, 04:58:19 PM »
        Customer: Waiter!

    Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

    Customer: There's a fly in my soup!

    Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

    Customer: No, it's still there.

    Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

    Customer: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

    Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

    Customer: A SOUP bowl!

    Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

    Customer: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?

    Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

    Customer: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

    Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

    Customer: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

    Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

    Customer: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

    Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

    Customer: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.

    [Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]
    Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

    Customer: This is potato soup.

    Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

    Customer: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
    [Waiter leaves.]

    Customer: Waiter! Now there's a mosquito in my soup!

    The check:
    Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
    Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
    Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
    Editors Note: Bug in the soup........included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)


4
Jokes / Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters
« on: July 04, 2007, 09:34:22 AM »
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal... :hysterical:

5
Jokes / "Wake me up"
« on: July 04, 2007, 09:30:08 AM »
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am,
and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ...
it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up." :hysterical:

6
Jokes / Spell Checker
« on: July 04, 2007, 09:17:30 AM »
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew. :mitch:

7
Testing / picture test
« on: July 03, 2007, 08:25:21 PM »
picture test

8
Jokes / What Does Jesus Drive?
« on: July 02, 2007, 10:41:55 PM »
     A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

    Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

    Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

    Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

    "From my Daddy," said Little Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

9
Jokes / ... Men are NOT mind readers.
« on: June 23, 2007, 06:39:06 PM »


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. :hysterical:

1. Saturday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it in that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we ment the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is a vegetable. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...
Really ..

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, or sex.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. :hysterical:



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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10
Jokes / Pub Steakout
« on: May 02, 2007, 02:25:37 PM »
 The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.   :Hammys pint:

The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb.  :hysterical: Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.

Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.

Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.

Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.

The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.

When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"

To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."  :hammy:

11
Jokes / silly jokes
« on: December 02, 2005, 07:08:53 PM »
                                                                    :gwave:
Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk!

What is "out of bounds"?
An exhausted kangaroo!

Have you ever seen a duchess?
Yes - it's the same as an English "s"!

What followed the dinosaur?
It's tail!

Did you hear about the mad scientist who put dynamite in his fridge?
They say it blew his cool!

Would you like a duck egg for tea?
Only if you quack it for me!

I've got a wonder watch. It only cost fifty cents.
Why is it a wonder watch?
Because every time I look at it I wonder if it is still working!
                                                                       :hysterical:

12
Jokes / GONE DEAF
« on: December 01, 2005, 08:57:19 PM »
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

The farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

 :gwave:

13
Jokes / ANOTHER SPORTS JOKE
« on: December 01, 2005, 08:23:35 PM »
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is. :hysterical:

14
Jokes / SPORTS JOKE
« on: December 01, 2005, 08:23:05 PM »
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. :hysterical:
 

15
Testing / testing a smilie
« on: November 30, 2005, 03:43:36 PM »



thanx for sharing this GR@PH;<'S    :hysterical:

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