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Topics - jamesk

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1
Jokes / Atheism
« on: June 24, 2011, 01:07:07 PM »
Atheism: “the belief that there was nothing and nothing happened to nothing and then nothing magically exploded for no reason, creating everything and then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself for no reason whatsoever into self-replicating bits which then turned into dinosaurs.  Makes perfect sense.”

2
Jokes / Makes Sense To Me
« on: February 07, 2011, 12:08:02 PM »
Paraprosdokian Sentences

A Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the  reader or listener to refrain or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a  fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.*

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you  can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs..

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said  "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

3
Jokes / Ole and Bessie
« on: January 01, 2011, 01:55:47 PM »

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident.  In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into  da......'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road....  ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying  to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man  told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the  Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and  Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could  hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'.

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition her took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?




4
Jokes / Love Making Tips for Seniors
« on: December 07, 2010, 01:57:25 PM »

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

 2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

 3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

 4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

 5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

 6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

 7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

 8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

 9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

 10. Don't even think about trying it twice. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

 'OLD' IS WHEN...
 Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

 'OLD' IS WHEN....
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

 'OLD' IS WHEN....
 You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

 'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

 'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

 'OLD' IS WHEN....
 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

 'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

 'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.


5
Jokes / Some Good Ones
« on: August 18, 2010, 02:45:31 PM »
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

 The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

 The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

 The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

 The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.  He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'


The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'


The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'


Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'


Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:


Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'


Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'


Man: 'What sins?'


Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'


Man: 'I'm Jewish.'


Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'


Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.


'I'm 90 years old,' he says.


'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'


'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.


'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.


The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..


'Who are you?' he asked him..


'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.


'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..


'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.


'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.


The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

Marriage Humour
Wife:          'What are you doing?' 
Husband:      Nothing.
Wife:          'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage   certificate for an hour.'
Husband:       'I was looking for the expiration date.' 

-------------------------------

Wife :       'Do you want dinner?' 
Husband:       'Sure! What are my choices?' 
Wife:          'Yes or no.'     
 
--------------------------------------------------------   

Son:       'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' 
Mom:    'Well, you have done the right thing.' 
Son:       'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' 
________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' 
------------------------------------------------------------ 
 
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' 
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'   


Husbands are Husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned' 

6
Jokes / Facts of Life
« on: July 20, 2010, 10:54:56 AM »
Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your
Self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault , so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.   :muahaha:

7
Jokes / My Favorite Animal
« on: July 02, 2010, 10:50:49 AM »


Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right; everyone else in the class laughed.

 

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

8
Jokes / The Hotel Bill
« on: June 03, 2010, 12:58:21 PM »
The Hotel Bill


 Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

 My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George.After almost eleven hours
 on the road, we were too tired to continue, and  decide to take a room.
 But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get
 back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands
 us a bill for $350.00.

 I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.I tell the clerk
 although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00
 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on
 speaking to the Manager.

 The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an
 Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us
 to use.'But we didn't use them.''Well, they are here, and you could  have,'
 explains the Manager.

 He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which
 the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York ,
 Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

 But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you
 could have,' the Manager replies.

 No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I  reply,'But we didn't use it!'

 The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

 I  write a cheque and give it to the Manager
.
 The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' 'this
 cheque is only made out for $50.00.''That's correct, as I charged you
 $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

 'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

 'Well, too bad,  she was here, and you could have.'


9
Jokes / Good Advice...
« on: May 20, 2010, 01:46:19 PM »

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.  When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!   Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

10
Jokes / Financial Planning
« on: October 25, 2009, 12:23:33 PM »

Dan was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in the  family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.


One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."


Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

11
Jokes / Love Story
« on: October 15, 2009, 02:18:11 PM »

Love Story
 

I will seek and find you.
 

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
 

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
 

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
 

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you.
 

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
 

All my love,
 
The Flu
 
Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

12
Jokes / The Flu
« on: September 24, 2009, 02:48:49 PM »
How to tell the difference between Swine Flu and Bird Flu....   :shock:

For the Bird Flu you use a Tweetment...

For the Swine Flu you use a Oinkment...

13
Jokes / CYA
« on: July 19, 2009, 01:39:44 PM »
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."

14
Jokes / Learning to Cuss
« on: June 13, 2009, 01:30:55 PM »

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.           

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with a$$..'
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants
for breakfast, he replies,
'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in
his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be Cheerios!'

15
Jokes / The Bible
« on: June 12, 2009, 09:27:29 PM »



A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

 

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

 

The son replied, "I do know!"


"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"


"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving  Earth.'"

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========


There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

=========



People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention..

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