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Topics - Basementgeek

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1
Jokes / Softball in Heaven
« on: June 03, 2017, 01:17:41 AM »
Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”
Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”
“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”
“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.
“Bertha! Where are you?”
“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.
“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

BG

2
Jokes / Estate Planning
« on: August 19, 2014, 09:13:14 PM »
Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune once his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

BG

3
Jokes / CURTAIN RODS
« on: July 13, 2014, 04:20:50 PM »
On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

 On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the  last  time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put  on  some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of  shrimp, a jar of  caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of  sardines.

When he'd  finished, he went into each and  every room and deposited a few half-eaten  shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her  new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then,  slowly, the house began to smell.


They  tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the  place.  Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were  steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.  Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during  which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end  they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing  worked!People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen  refused to work in the house.The maid quit.

Finally, they  couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move,  but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half -  they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word  got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return  their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a  purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to  purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and  asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting  house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home  terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in  exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no  idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was  only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he  would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within  two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A  week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they  watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new  home ......


and to  spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain  rods!


I  LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?



 


4
Jokes / Blonde driver
« on: March 03, 2014, 12:41:27 AM »
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. He was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BG

5
Jokes / WOMEN ARE DEVIOUS
« on: February 22, 2014, 09:27:49 PM »
An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a

confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of

the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"



Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To

everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack one day.



His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her

neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he

may

indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the

rest of your life?"



The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know

he won't ask for directions."

BG


6
Jokes / Romance is not dead
« on: January 16, 2014, 09:37:51 PM »
Romance is not dead . . . .


A middle-aged couple were excited that they had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their mobile phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
 She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband texted back:   
I'm on the toilet. Please advise . . . .

BG


7
Jokes / Church Squirrels
« on: August 26, 2013, 04:52:18 PM »
There were five houses of religion in a small Texastown:
 

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.After much prayer and
 
consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery.
 
The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it..
 
The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week
 
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.


But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.


Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,
 

but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they
 
haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.


BG
 




8
Testing / Test
« on: August 06, 2013, 02:06:49 AM »
test...test

9
Jokes / The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar ....
« on: August 02, 2013, 08:55:03 AM »
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it. Soon Silver was starting to feel better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothin' much, I just wanted you to know....you left your Injun running.
__________________


BG

10
Jokes / IRS audit
« on: May 14, 2013, 12:03:56 PM »
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.

I'm a great gambler and I can prove it says Grandpa.  How about a demonstration?

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, Okay.  Go ahead.

Grandpa says, I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.

The auditor thinks a moment and says, It's a bet.

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.  The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand - with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.  He starts to get nervous.

Want to go double or nothing? Grandpa says, I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

Are you okay? the auditor asks.

Not really, says the attorney.  This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it

BG

I keep telling you!  Don't Mess with Old People!!

 


11
Jokes / Herman and the Army
« on: August 22, 2012, 07:16:48 PM »
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

BG

12
Jokes / CATHOLIC HORSES
« on: February 24, 2012, 04:31:14 PM »
CATHOLIC  HORSES 

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.  Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.  Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

BG

13
Jokes / Loved ones
« on: December 19, 2011, 03:28:10 PM »
At the Irish wedding party someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

 

The bartender was almost crushed to death.           


14
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay."  He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.


15
Jokes / Older goats
« on: September 30, 2011, 04:42:43 PM »
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through  Holland..  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

BG

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