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Topics - philsharp

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31
LandzDown Lounge / Why we should admire our pets
« on: April 11, 2006, 12:38:13 AM »
If you can start the day without caffeine,

"If you can get along without pep pills,

"If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

"If you can resist complaining to and boring people with your troubles,

"If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

"If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

"If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong, !

"If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

"If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him or her,

"If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor one,

"If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

"If you can conquer tension without medical help,

"If you can relax without liquor,

"If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

"If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, sex, color, religion, national origin, gender preference or politics,

"THEN you have ALMOST reached the same level of development as your dog or cat

32
Jokes / Sensitive man meets Blonde
« on: April 08, 2006, 12:50:14 AM »
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
 
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
 
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out too see what has become of the rabbit.
 
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
 
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
 
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
 
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
 
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
 
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
 
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
 
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
 
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
 
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
 
The man is astonished.
 
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
 
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
 
It says..
 
(Are you ready for this?)
 
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
 
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
 
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
 
(Last chance)
 
(OK, here it is)
 
It says,
 
 
 
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
 

 :tease:    :tease:     :tease:    :tease:

33
Jokes / Washington Post
« on: March 09, 2006, 02:58:48 AM »
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational
which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's {2005} winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders
   the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
  until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
   stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
   shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
   the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
   running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
    these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
    and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the
    day consuming only things that are good for you

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
    smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just
    after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
    into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a
    worm in the fruit you're eating.




34
Jokes / The River
« on: March 01, 2006, 03:11:47 AM »
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof!

God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat, strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."

Poof!

He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

35
Jokes / One for the Girls
« on: February 23, 2006, 03:47:00 AM »
 Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the
heck   
 happened.

 -Cora Harvey Armstrong-

 

 

 

 Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually
shut   
 the **** up with cookies.

 (Unknown)

 

 

 

 The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

 -Helen Hayes (at 73)-

 

 

 

 I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.  I think of them as stray

 eyebrows.

 -Janette Barber-

 

 

 

 Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

 -Lily Tomlin-

 

 

 

 My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being --

 hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

ripley

 

 

 

 Old age ain't no place for sissies.

 -Bette Davis-

 

 

 

 A man's got to do what a man's got to do.  A woman must do what he
can't. 
 -Rhonda Hansome-

 

 

 

 The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

 -Jane Sellman-

 

 

 

 Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the
windows.
 
Corrine

 

 

 

 Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought

 half as good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.

 -Charlotte Whitton-

 

 

 

 Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body

 starts falling apart.

 -Caryn Leschen-

 

 

 

 I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me
at
 once.

 -Jennifer Unlimited-

 

 

 

 

 If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a
horrible   
 warning.

Skittlespc              (talking about our very own GR@PH;<'S )

 

 

 

 I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb 
 -- and I'm also not blonde.

 -Dolly Parton-

 

 

 

 

 If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

 -Sue Grafton-

 

 

 

 

 I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

 -Roseanne Barr-

 

 

 

 When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade

 another country.

 -Elayne Boosler-

 

 

 

 Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

 -Maryon Pearson-

 

 

 

 In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man.  If you want
anything   
 done, ask a woman.

 -Margaret Thatcher-

 

 

 

 I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and
a   
 career.

 -Gloria Steinem-

 

 

 I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man, I keep his
house.
 

 -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

 

 

 

 Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

 -Eleanor Roosevelt-


36
Jokes / About a pig!
« on: February 18, 2006, 03:56:38 AM »
 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would
> have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
>
>
>
> (Hardly seems worth it.)
>
>
>
>
>
> If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
> enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
>
>
>
> (Now that's more like it!)
>
>
>
>
>
> The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
> out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
>
>
>
> (O.M.G.!)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> A cockroach will live nine days without its head before
> it starves to death.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (Creepy.)
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (I'm still not over the pig.)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a
> hour
>
>
>
>
> (Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
>
>
>
>
>
> The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head
> is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's
> head off.
>
>
>
>
>
> ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a
> human jumping the length of a football field.
>
>
> (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
>
>
>
>
>
> (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
>
>
>
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>
>
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>
>
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> Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over
> quantity)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Butterflies taste with their feet.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (Something I always wanted to know.)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (Hmmmmmm......)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
> than left-handed people.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
>
>
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>
>
> Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (okay, so that would be a good thing)
>
>
>
>
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>
>
>
> A cat's urine glows under a black light.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
>
>
>
>
>
>
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>
>
> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (I know some people like that.)
>
>
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> Starfish have no brains
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (I know some people like that too.)
>
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> Polar bears are left-handed.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
>
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>
>
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> Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
> for pleasure.
>
>
>
>
>
> (What about that pig??)
>
>
>
>
>
>

37
Jokes / Lizard's tale
« on: February 12, 2006, 01:13:27 AM »
A Koala Bear and a lizard are sitting on the branch of a tree, smoking a joint.  After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and he is going to get a drink from the river.  Th little lizard is so stoned the he leans too far over and falls in the river.  A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him back to the riverbank, then asks the little lizard:   “What’s the matter with you?”  The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the Koala in the tree, got too stoned then fell into the river while taking a drink.  The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rainforest, finds the tree where the Koala is sitting finishing his joint and he looks up and says: “Hey you!”   The Koala looks down and says:-

“GEEEZ dude……how much water did you drink?!!!”
   

38
Jokes / Blonde Miracle Diet
« on: December 28, 2005, 02:52:53 AM »


An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

39
Jokes / Blonde
« on: December 11, 2005, 03:07:09 AM »
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

40
Jokes / Some Aussie bumper stickers
« on: November 23, 2005, 03:36:02 AM »
Jesus loves you ... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

The proctologist called, they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one

41
Jokes / The Schitt Family History
« on: October 26, 2005, 03:30:38 AM »
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.      

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.  After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and
because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. 
She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.  Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

42
Jokes / Another Blonde Joke
« on: October 14, 2005, 04:49:38 AM »

A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?" The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos." The blond then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?" She replies "It's a thermos." He asks, "What does it do?" She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." He then asks, "What do you have in there?" "Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."



--
Edited just to close the Tabs

GR@PH;<'S  :breakkie:

43
Jokes / Kids & faith
« on: October 08, 2005, 04:16:03 AM »
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

44
Jokes / Sherlock Holmes
« on: October 02, 2005, 03:02:34 AM »
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner
and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some
hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. " Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see. " " I see millions and
millions of stars, Holmes " " And what do you deduce from that? " Watson
ponders for a minute. " Well, astronomically, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce
that the time is approximately a quarter past three. ! Meteorologically,
I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I
can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant
part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes? " Holmes is silent
for a moment. " Watson, you idiot! " he says. " Someone has stolen our
tent! "

45
Jokes / Golfer
« on: September 30, 2005, 04:41:17 AM »
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes
off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend
says: " Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever
seen. You truly are a kind man. " The man then replies: " Yeah, well we
were married for 35 years. "

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