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Topics - Niecarrah

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16
Jokes / The Operation
« on: May 26, 2009, 02:58:22 AM »

      A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head."


"About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."     :laughing:

17
Jokes / Wittle Wabbits
« on: May 18, 2009, 02:50:25 PM »
An adorable little girl walks into a pet shop and, in the sweetest little lisp, asks the shopkeeper, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice...


"I don't fink my pyfon really hath a preferenth."     :tease:

18


One early morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, honey - It's time for school!"

"I don't want to go!" he groaned.

"Give me two reasons why," his mother said.

"The kids all hate me, and the teachers do, too," he replied, sniffling.

"I'm sure that's not true. Come on, get up," his mother said.

"Give me two good reasons I should go," the son complained.




    :laughing:        "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!"         :dance:

19
Testing / Bigger?
« on: May 07, 2009, 02:52:52 PM »




DANG!

20
Jokes / Gonna Die
« on: May 04, 2009, 04:44:33 PM »
        :hysterical:

After a man's checkup, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Be pleasant at all times. Prepare him lavish meals. Don't burden him with chores. Don't nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die."       :laughing:

21
Jokes / Speeding
« on: May 04, 2009, 04:42:23 PM »
    :tease:  A police officer pulled a car over, and the driver asked, "What's the problem, officer?" The officer replied, "You ran a red light." The driver's wife leaned forward and said, "I told him to stop at that light! But he didn't listen."

"Shut up!" the man screamed.

The officer continued, "You were also speeding." The wife sighed, "I told him to slow down. Did he listen? No." And again, the man yelled, "Come on, stupid! Shut up!"

The officer asked the woman, "Does he always talk to you like that?"


"Only when he's drunk," she replied.     :hysterical:

22
Internet / Dial-up
« on: May 04, 2009, 12:51:55 PM »
I know very little about Dial-up and how it works, so I need some input.  After having the same IP for years and then changing to a new IP, can this cause problems?  Such as IE Cannot display page,FF page load errors, address not found, and timeouts?

23
Jokes / Swine Flu Prevention
« on: May 01, 2009, 02:38:05 PM »

               DON"T DO THIS!    :tease:

       

24
Jokes / Underwear Dust
« on: April 26, 2009, 02:02:11 AM »
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow'

Never try & Out do a Woman!!!

25
Jokes / The Classifieds
« on: April 26, 2009, 01:53:52 AM »


These classifieds actually ran in newspapers - a smile for your day

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
8-years old. Hateful little b@st@rd. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

26
Jokes / The Last Nickel
« on: April 22, 2009, 08:25:10 PM »
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

 

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back..

 

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

 

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

 

 
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S..'     :hysterical:   :laughing:   :hysterical:

27
Jokes / Construction Constipation!
« on: April 22, 2009, 04:36:03 PM »


A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the
butt with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great.
What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags!"     :hysterical:
     

28
Jokes / The Cowboy Boots
« on: April 20, 2009, 12:26:25 PM »
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved out to Longreach ...
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it' ll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replied.




"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
   

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

29
Jokes / : A Simple Analogy on Socialism
« on: April 16, 2009, 12:25:48 AM »
An economics professor at Texas Tech said he had never failed a single student before but had, once, failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said OK, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism.
All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A. 

 

After the first test the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. But, as the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too; so they studied little. The second test average was a D!  No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around the average was an F.
The scores never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. 

 

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great; but when government takes all the reward away; no one will try or want to succeed.
     

 It could NOT be any simpler than that...class dismissed.

30
Jokes / Just the Three of Us
« on: April 13, 2009, 03:08:33 PM »
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said,
"I'm glad that you feel this way..."

She replied...


            


   "Tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."       

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