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Topics - Niecarrah

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31
LandzDown Lounge / Spring Cleaning @Security Garden?
« on: April 10, 2009, 09:32:33 AM »
 :laughing:  I hope everyone took the opportunity to view Corrine's Spring Cleaning Tips over at The Security Garden?  :hysterical:

  A very CUTE view!!  Our Corrine has a good sense of humor.... :laughing: 
       See it here:  http://securitygarden.blogspot.com/2009/04/spring-cleaning-humor.html

32
This is out of my realm I think. It is a Sony Vaio  desktop
My sister-in-law called the other evening saying her screen had gone black. Included these details:  The other day the electric went off briefly but seeming that is when the flickering began.  not a lot of flickering but it became annoying after spending considerable time on it. so she decided to shut it down.  When she restarted the screen was black.  After several attempts she gave up but noticed she could just make out her desktop.
So I went up yesterday and felt my way thru and did a System restore to pre electric and the I reset the BIOS to default.  All seemed well until an update required restart, when it came back up black screen again.  Felt my way again repeating the above, it worked again. So I shut down the screensaver and said don't shut it off just use like it is.  Said I'd be back after thinking on this some and doing some research. Was going to go back today and reinstall the video driver and re-seat the RAM module. In the interim she called and said the screen was black again and she had not touched it since I left. But she said as she pulled the screen to her, she accidentally pressed her thumb on the menu button and lo and behold it was back. So now I am asking if someone would know what I should try next or would know what is the matter? The LCD, the VID card or what?

33
Jokes / The Thermometer
« on: April 09, 2009, 02:26:45 PM »


When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'


[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]



Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:





'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . '



Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY;
AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A$$ THAN YOURS!



.........Remember,
if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in
your heart...Then
you are just an old sour fart;
Maybe you should go and work for Johnson &
Johnson!!!!!



 

34
Jokes / A STIMULUS package for overpopulation:. Alabama Hillbilly
« on: April 07, 2009, 11:01:12 AM »


After their 11th child, an Alabama hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'


'2'


'3'


'4'


'5'


( you'll love this..)

     


At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Oklahoma, Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , West Virginia ....and Washington DC .


  "An Armed Society is a Polite Society!" 

35
Jokes / ALWAYS Check the Homework!!!!
« on: April 07, 2009, 10:38:54 AM »
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment.

     



After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:


      Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child’s illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This photo is of me selling a shovel.        :laughing:   :blink:
Mrs. Harrington

36
Jokes / The Dying Man
« on: April 06, 2009, 03:01:21 PM »
A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, he said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said...



"Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."     :tease:           

37
Jokes / The Husband
« on: April 01, 2009, 12:23:23 PM »
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife. One night, he stormed into the house and said, "I am the man of the house and from now on what I say is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and then I expect a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

She replied...





"The Funeral Director, that's who!"

38
Jokes / Confucius Say
« on: March 28, 2009, 07:11:53 PM »
Confucius Says:

Man who scratch a$$
Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not
Determine who is right, war determines who is
Left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

39
Jokes / The Eighteenth Hole
« on: March 24, 2009, 01:34:52 PM »
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He looked up and down, measuring the distance and figuring the wind direction and speed.

Finally his exasperated partner said, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answered, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

His partner said...

“Forget it, man, you’ll never hit her from here!”    :hysterical:

40
Jokes / HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
« on: March 22, 2009, 03:53:39 PM »
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California  .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Lichtenstein. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.




Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.



85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.



Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in  United States

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWAR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.


Massachusetts  executes last remaining conservative. 


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up

Newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what...NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or be very very scared.



I Love This Country!

It's The Government That Scares Me!

 

""An armed society is a polite society".

41
Jokes / Stuttering
« on: March 14, 2009, 02:59:38 AM »
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings 
are the only animals that stutter,' she says.                             
                                                                           
                                                                           
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'       
                                                                           
                                                                           
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,     
asked the girl to describe the incident.                                 
                                                                           
                                                                           
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the         
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!'                                 
                                                                           
                                                                           
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.                             
                                                                           
                                                                           
'It sure was,' said the little girl.  'My kitty raised her back, went     
Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'S>*@', the Rottweiler ate 
her!'                                                                     
                                                                           
The teacher had to leave the room.

42
Jokes / The financial crisis explained in simple terms:
« on: March 12, 2009, 01:38:37 PM »
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales,
she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed
alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks
consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood
Into Heidi's bar.

Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment
constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the
most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank
Recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases
Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the
alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these
customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These
securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really
understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are
guaranteed.

Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become
top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager
(subsequently of course fired due to his negativity) of the bank decides
that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by
the drinkers at Heidi's bar.

However they cannot pay back the debts.

Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better,
stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due
dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new
situation.

Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by
a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock
consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.

The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied against
the non-drinkers.

43
Jokes / Profound Quotes
« on: March 11, 2009, 04:07:23 AM »
These are good and a lot seem very true.

 1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is
 a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a Congress.
 -- John Adams
 
 2. If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read
 the newspaper, you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

 3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
 Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

 4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is
 like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the
 handle. -- Winston Churchill

 5. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
 support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

 6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which
 debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

 7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting
 on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

 8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people
 in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey,
 Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

 9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car
 keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

 10. Government is the great fiction through which everybody endeavors
 to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French
 Economist (1801-1850)

 11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
 phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if
 it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

 12.. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the
 facts. -- Will Rogers

 13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what
 it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke
 
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money
 as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. --
 Voltaire (1764)

 15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
 politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

 16. No man's life, liberty or property is safe while the legislature is
 in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)

 17. Talk is cheap....except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous

 18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal with a happy
 appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
 -- Ronald Reagan

 19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
 blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of
 misery. -- Winston Churchill

 20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
 taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

 21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is
 to fill the world with fools.
 -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

 22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class -- save
 Congress. -- Mark Twain

 23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward
 Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

 24. A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong
 enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson

 25. The biggest difference between Republicans and Democrats is the spelling. -- Anonymous

44
Jokes / Two Young Boys at the Doctors Office
« on: February 23, 2009, 03:30:51 PM »
Two boys were at the doctor’s office.

One turned to the other and asked, “What are you doing here?”

The boy replied, “I’m getting my tonsils out.”

The other kid said, “I had that done. It’s not that bad.

You get to lay around the house, eat ice cream and not have to talk to anyone.

I’m getting circumcised.”

“Oh man, I had that done" the boy responded...


“It took me a year to learn how to walk.”    :hysterical:

45
Jokes / Grandma and Grandpa
« on: February 06, 2009, 02:18:53 PM »
 Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
 When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet,
 he asked about using one of the pills.
 The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're
 very strong and very expensive."
 "How much?" asked Grandpa. 
 "$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
 "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
 try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the
 pillow."
 Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called
 Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

 "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

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