An Open Letter to my Pets

[Ripley]

Dear Dogs And Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours, and contain
your food.
The other dishes are mine, and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my
plate and food does not stake a claim for it to become
your dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR, and is not a
racetrack.

Beating me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping
me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can
run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed.  I
am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will
continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other, and stretched out to the
fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom.  If, by some miracle, I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob,
or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit
through the same door I entered.  I have been using
the bathroom for
years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.


To pacify you my dear pets, I have posted the
following on our front door:


Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here.  You don't.

2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
    (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
    people.

4. To you, it's an animal.  To me, he/she is an
    adopted son/daughter who is short,hairy,
    walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

[Corrine]

A friend gave me a refrigerator magnet that reads:  "The dog lives here, the people pay the mortgage."  In our case, we understood it to read that the dogs and cats live here . . . just as described in the letter.

[GR@PH;<'S]

ripley,

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here.  You don't.

2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
    (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
    people.

4. To you, it's an animal.  To me, he/she is an
    adopted son/daughter who is short,hairy,
    walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

 
GR@PH;<'S   :breakkie: