Steven Wright 1-liners

[JDBush61]

Like my vodka martinis, I like my humor extremely dry. ;)

A bit dated, but the great Steven Wright still makes me chuckle.


"I was reading the dictionary.  I thought it was a poem about everything."

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"I was once walking through the forest alone.  A tree fell right in front of me
-- and I didn't hear it."

"He asked me if I knew what time it was.  I said, "Yes, but not right now."

"I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract.  No
brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it."

"My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it.  So I'm going to move to New
York."

"I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it.  I write right on the bill,
"I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month.""

"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."

"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space.  On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it on all the
beaches of the world...  Perhaps you've seen it."

"I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time."

"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums."

"Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food.  My
argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous.  Besides, I
haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time."

"One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab.  The movie cost me $95."

"I went to the cinema, and the prices were:  Adults $5.00, children $2.50.  So I
said, "Give me two boys and a girl.""

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."  So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance."

"There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you
can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air."

"I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet supplies."  So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"..."

"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the shape
of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had
to buy them again."

"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap
Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping."

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I don't get it..."

"Today I dialed a wrong number...  The other person said, "Hello?"  And I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...  They said, "Uh...  I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old."  I said, "I'll wait.""

"I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.  She
said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't find my socks."  She said,
"They're behind the couch."  And they were!"

"In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman
in Germany.  She said, "Cut it out.""

[Corrine]

LOL

[LilBambi]

Gotta love Steven Wright's comedy... :laughing: